August 09, 2006

Where do I start? Maurice Clarret arrested

I am amazed my readers didn't have a Maurice Clarett angle on "College Football Headlines that wouldn't surprise me" in July.

Seems Mo made the first move for inclusion by doing a Denzel in Training Day imitation while all you Wolverine fans slept on the opportunity .

Clarett was arrested in Columbus after being pulled over for erratic driving. Then it all went wrong. Horribly wrong...

I will admit to a jaded response when this story started on ESPN Radio this a.m. - Yeah, Clarett in trouble again. Yeah, he had a loaded gun. So far, nothing too out of the ordinary for Ohio-based athletes.

Officers removed Clarett forcefully after several requests were made for him to exit the vehicle. Needing to exhibit force to subdue Big Mo, the officers use the Taser - to no effect. Mo strapped on a bullet-proof vest that the 200,000 volts could not penetrate! Multiple officers were needed to bring down Clarett and handcuff him.

Next, Clarett is placed in the paddy wagon, then a search of the SUV he was driving yielded a startling inventory:

  • one opened bottle of Grey Goose Vodka
  • not one, not two, not three, but FOUR LOADED guns - one assault rifle and three pistols.
  • a hatchet (no doubt for close quarters hand-to-hand combat, or is it a trophy like the Little Brown Jug)
At this point, I became a menace on the highway weaving through lanes as I laugh heartily at this former football star who helped Ohio State secure a National Championship just three years ago.

Now Mo flexes with full armor and rolls with a GAT just miles from the Big Horseshoe. Only thing not in the Urban Assault Vehicle were an underage girl, porn on the DVD, or bomb blueprints. Fo Shizzle.

Some of the better lines I have heard or seen today:
  • He was just preparing for tryouts with the Cincinnatti Bengals-ESPN
  • It appears he was on his way to a 50 Cent concert - grungedave on DeadSpin
  • "Who is the fuckin' soldier now!" Signed, Kellen Winslow - PH as in Phat
  • New definition for Under Armour - PhillyMike
Clarett should be on the homeland Security lists at this point. It seems so long ago when things were going his way after the Ohio State incident.

Open Questions:
Do you still blame The Ohio State University, even though he (allegedly) attended for a year?
What is next on the Maurice Clarett Tour?
WTF was he going with this arsenal? (UPDATE: USA TODAY reports Clarett was driving a few blocks from the home of a woman who was set to testify against him next week, Franklin County Prosecutor Ron O'Brien said.)

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